Things I've learnt from videogames: Oblivion

There is lots of research into the effects games have on people. Some say they are making people more violent (and I will promptly bludgeon anyone to death who agrees with that) or affecting their health. Some research has even proved that kids learn from games and as a result become smarter. So here's a selection of things I've learnt from Oblivion (spoilers may follow):

• Crypt desecration is a common past time for any budding adventurer. Apparently no-one minds if you steal the skull of their deceased grandfather and place it on your mantlepiece.



• Any random stranger can become the head of all organisations in the space of a day and no-one seems to care.



• Never ever commit a crime as the thought police will track you down. Even if you kill someone in the middle of the woods in a desolate cabin they'll be onto you like a catholic priest on young boys.
  
  
• Down south is a desolate rainy marshland with an infestation of giant cats and talking lizards. People also seem to live in shanty towns.
  
  
• Its perfectly safe sleeping in the wilderness, even next to a portal to a hell dimension. Chances are your more likely to get mauled by a deer than a giant slavering dragon monster.
  
  
• Despite looking scary and having a tough exoskeleton, giant crabs are especially vulnerable to being punched in the face. Additionally their huge claws seem to be just for show.
  
  
• Any leader seems invulnerable to fire, ice, electricity and having their faces melted off. However their one only weakness is the plot which absorbs their godlike powers, almost as if they were puppets acting merely as plot devices in an attempt to create drama.
  
  
• Patrick Stewart is a natural leader and would be a much better candidate for the labour party than Miliband.
  
  
• Kids are merely a figment of our imagination. When we are 'born' we appear fully grown and inside a prison cell.
  
  
• Looting the corpse of a friend is moral and in fact encouraged by the local guards.
  
  
• The world is a harsh place filled with an abundance of calipers and yarn. While some see these as mundane clutter they are secretly plotting to overthrow society by holding them down and smothering people to death. It is rumoured these two rivals formed an alliance in the first ages when they signed the Treaty of Yarnopolis.
  
  
• All armour comes in the same size and will magically fit you even if you stole it from a midget.
  
  
• When faced with tough decisions threatening the future of your guild the best choice is to kill yourself and let a random stranger resolve the issues. Of course your up shit creek if that person decides to use your soul as a paperweight.
  
  
• Booze will give you a guaranteed hangover after two minutes. However its also impossible to get absolutely shitfaced.
  
  
• As a rule never elect Sean Bean as your leader as he is inflicted with a curse that guarantees his death before the end of anything. He also has a weakness for jewellery that more often than not leads to his death.

OMFG Hax!!!

Games are meant for fun right? So why is it that there exists a few bunch of morons who use cheats and exploits to ruin it for everyone else. Sure they might get their kicks in the suffering of others but should people like that even exist. Cheaters are the Saddam Husseins of the gaming world and in an ideal world they'd get the same fate. So lets imagine what goes on in the mind of a cheater :

"I am well awesome. Look at me I can open the console and mess with the coding. I haz the skillz and can pwn all noobs. How fun is this I stand doing nothing letting the bot do the work. Look how cool I am. All the ladies want me cause I rely on the computer to aim for me. They love my computer skillz."

Now in reality:

I'm 27 and live in the garden shed. My mum tried chucking me out but I refuse to leave this place cause I'm afraid of the big bad world. I get closure being a massive dickhead as it 'bigs me up'. I long for the touch of a woman but they all seem to avoid me like i'm a massive walking turd. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact I reek of redbull and piss.

No-one will ever know why someone thinks its fun to use cheats online. The initial buzz people get from annoying people could only last a minute at most and then it must get boring. Its like buying a game then paying someone to play it for you whilst you gouge your eyes out. Your not going to get better at a game by letting something else do it for you. The only thing you will gain from cheating is an armada of enemies all wanting to beat you senseless with your keyboard and mouse. Sadly cheaters will always exist in any society but from all sci-fi games I've played so do shotguns. So what I'm saying is this - shotguns are the bane of all cheaters and seem like the best way to go medieval on their asses.

The Problem with Sheep.

Its true that many of us take after our parents. I for one hate the fact that I look just like my dad when he was my age. Love it or hate it though I've been taught an important lesson in life - never be a sheep. When I say sheep I am of course referring to people following others in an attempt to conform, though it would also be equally as bad to get naked and eat grass in a field.

Sad thing is its true. People will always follow each other regardless of the consequences. Like the other day when getting a paper at WH Smith people were happily standing in line at the downstairs till oblivious to the fact standing there would take more than 5 minutes when they could use the tills upstairs or downstairs, which when I went to were empty. You really should take some time out of each day to sit and watch people go through life like mindless cattle.

Of course these sheep like tendencies are a foundation of our society and it really annoys me. Its leading to a society with a lack of innovation or need to break out of the mould. Applying this to games then there's the infamous EA strategy of poorly copying games and releasing the same thing under a different title each year. Music wise there's a lot of music coming out but a lot of rubbish cover versions (yes i'm talking about you Fallout Boy), dire 'remixs' (just die Kid Rock) and bland attempts at rock that are hardly iconic and will be forgot about in a months time (you know who you are, we can't remember however). As for movies well there's waves of bad films which sadly can't be countered by the occasional good unique film. And yes I blame Uwe Boll for a large part of those bad films.

Why the sudden influx of poor quality entertainment? Generation sheep happily following each other into ruination. Now is the time to get rid of this bad trend just like that weird stain on the pillow. Be yourself and bollocks to what others think of you. I encourage you all to go about life in a weird and bizarre way before we all end up stuck with regulation haircuts and an abundance of the colour grey all thanks to the Government shephards brainwashing their herd with the false promise of green grass.

Educational pamphlet on how to fight off boredom!

There comes a time when you have absolutely no idea what to do. You consider reaching for your phone to announce your boredom to your nearest and dearest or change your facebook status to reflect your ailment. But why do this? With my handy advice you'll never be bored again. Here are a selection of my favourite distractions.

• Start a blog/ add to existing blog - A new one in my list of distractions. Create a blog under the pretence your witty and your bound for stardom. Write controversial, libellous comments, face the consequences and then wish you hadn't started the damned thing. Its win win all round.


• Creative uses for mundane objects - ever find ironing boards boring? Why not get a football and play ironing board cricket. A guaranteed fun filled 15 minutes of destruction. Extra points for destroying plates.


• Get shitfaced - pretty self explanatory. Drink whatever you can find then spend the next day trying to remember what the fuck happened only to be told you weren't as sophisticated as you thought you were at the time.


• Build up your gamerscore - get that elusive 1000 points per game on all games you own allowing you to lord over others. Well when I say others I mean xbox gamers who quite frankly don't give a flying fuck that your sadder than them. But hey each to their own.


• Cheesey films - they know they're bad. What makes them good. Well its hard to say but it'll be the best 90 minutes of your life. Just don't expect a plausible plot, acting ability of any sort, professional camera work or in fact any brilliance in any of the categories at the Oscars.


• Feats of awesomeness - very hard tasks to pull off perfect but when done you are guaranteed a legend. What could this be? Well anything bizarre. Some ingredients for an idea of mine include an inflatable starfighter, a river and depending on the who's taking the pictures, clothes.


• Become a vigilante - not inspired by Dark Knight honest. But still theres a lot of scum on the streets that need getting rid of. Just be prepared to wear tights. Adam West is clearly the best batman.


• Go out your front door - a very hard task indeed for some but theres a whole wide world out there to be corrupted, I mean explored. From what i've learnt so far sunlight doesn't turn you to ash and theres these weird land creatures called cars that people seem to admire unhealthily. Just remember to don your chainmail and sword so that you can blend in with the 'daywalkers'.

Invasion of the body doubles

So the other day I find myself in HMV of all places looking frantically for anything that could resemble a present. Only when there I noticed one thing. There seemed to be an invasion of 'quality' action films by the heavyweight (emphasis on the weight) of action Steven Seagal. Now it is a sad day to see the shelves stocked with these sort of films. This actor occasionally produces some adequate films that I can connect with. If it weren't for Under Siege I would trust every cook I see with no fear of getting my face blown apart by what seems to be a mix of whiskey, cillit bang and a pan scrubber.

Yet the problem is that one good film doesn't make all the other shite they release any good. Every actor has that one bad film like the motherfucking classic Snakes on a Plane for Jackson but its a sad day when an actor is defined by the amount of crap they produce. Alone Seagal has released more bile than a bulimic at a pie eating contest. So when will he stop? Thats hard to say. He's had films set on boats, planes, trains, submarines etc. If it moves it can be made into a plausible film setting apparently.

If we look past this there comes the issue of age. Sure he might be an aikido master but there comes a stage when you should throw in the towel. But no in an attempt to look cool he brings in the rappers, explosions and body doubles. You'd have at least thought he'd attempt to get people who actually look like him but by the looks of things the producers either can't be arsed to find someone or they believe an angry midget could be his twin (hey they attempted it in Twins.)

Thing is who would even buy these DVDs. When I was there a mass of frenzied consumers weren't clawing at the windows eager to sink their teeth into the latest exploits of an ex CIA morris dancer. Hell they were more interested in the blood pressure machine outside. So instead we get shelf after shelf of samey looking DVD covers all with our 'tough guy' trying to look menacing though in reality he looks more like he's in desperate need of a shit.

All in all Seagal should give it a rest. While in his earlier films he could do stunts now he can barely open his mouth without his insides escaping. I would say he should evolve into doing more serious roles though that would require the ability to act. So if you are one of those few who are interested in buying Seagal films which seem like one big improv then I ask you why? You could pay me £15 to pound your head in with a sack of house bricks and I guarantee it'll be a better way to spend your evening. Actual experience may vary.

Wank or What!

WoW might be a term you've come across even if you live in the sub- sub- basement of an underground bunker located on Mars. It's odd that the first game rant I do is on what can't really be considered a game but more of a distraction. The general definition of a game is something that is 'an activity that providing entertainment or amusement' that has some aspect of skill, chance or endurance. Time to apply this to 'that distraction'.

First off the 'fun' side. After playing WoW for a period I can say there was fuck all fun. Grinding is the keystone of WoW and always will be. So essentially people are paying to do the same task over and over again. The same distraction could be achieved by washing the dishes or habitually masturbating with sandpaper over pictures of Pat Butcher. The latter would most likely be less painful in comparison to sitting hours on end to get your 'epic mount'.

This idea of repetition could be applied to other games but it is only prominent in MMORPGs because of the gameplay demanding you to play it for hours to finally get to the place you've always wanted to get to ... which then turns out to be a big bag of wank.

I honestly can't think of any fun part of the game. You level up through countless levels of grinding for gear, tedious quests and hours of waiting for a party to get to 70 with the false promise of it getting better because of more content available then. And what happens when you get to 70? Well theres countless hours of grinding for gear, tedious quests and hours of waiting for a party except now theres no main goal to do but by then Blizzard have managed to get you hooked on the thing which only months of rehab will fix.

There also is the skill side of it which seems to have been missed out by the developers. During its develop it seems that the intended audience were farm animals as to be fair i've seen collie dogs achieve harder tasks than repeatedly hitting the same button over and over again. Lets put it in context. To do good in WoW you just need a list of stuff you'd like and a bunch of mates/online buddies with half a brain. Then follows countless hours/days/weeks/centuries bashing the same key over and over again.

Die hard fans may argue theres more to that as different classes have different abilities but there always remains the standard kill move. You know that sort of move that has a cool name. Basically put to do well in WoW you need to hit keys. Now that task might be hard if say for example you have a hook for a hand or your being robbed at the time but other than that I could train my cat to do all the 'hard work' so I don't have to.

PvP is a laughable excuse for combat with lag ever present giving a sort of strobe lighting effect to fighting except all of the time your fucked and i'm guessing that when you go out your best mates lack horns, bloody axes or cliches. Even then fights are nothing to do with skill more to do with gear. So simply put the 'best' WoW players are the ones with the most time on their hands who by then have the social skills of a paranoid vietnam veteran on acid.

The only way WoW can be remotely considered a game is the fact its a test of endurance. Not the fact its way too difficult but rather the opposite. Boss fights always stick to the same attack patterns turning a potential challenge into a pre-school paint by numbers fights. The fact it is too easy results in people playing it into the early hours unaware they've not eaten in 24 hours. This is bad as its leading to a generation of lazy gamers who cry at the briefest whiff of challenge. 'Can't do expert mode on guitar hero, wahhhh i'll go distract myself on WoW.'

So lets summarise before I go postal and attempt to destroy blizzards main servers. WoW is and always has been a waste of time. It exists for the sole purpose of distracting people from more important things like say for example their lives. In a 1984 esque dystopian future this distraction is the sort of thing the bourgeois would use to pacify and brain wash the proletariat. And yes I have just used literary terms now so i'm going to go bash my head against a wall before I become a pretentious twat. Remember that sort of talk is for classrooms and not to impress other people.

Beginning of the end ...

And so it begins. Let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the l33t for it is a human number. So be expecting pointless rants aimed at anything. There'll be films, games blah blah blah. What's going to make this blog different to all those other rants by similar reclusive bastards? Well not much really but I can assure you that there'll be random guitar solos, explosions and a fuck load of verbal diarrhoea spewing from every orifice. Watch this space for 'enthralling' criticisms of anything and everything. Nothing is safe. You have been warned.