Things I've learnt from videogames: Oblivion

There is lots of research into the effects games have on people. Some say they are making people more violent (and I will promptly bludgeon anyone to death who agrees with that) or affecting their health. Some research has even proved that kids learn from games and as a result become smarter. So here's a selection of things I've learnt from Oblivion (spoilers may follow):

• Crypt desecration is a common past time for any budding adventurer. Apparently no-one minds if you steal the skull of their deceased grandfather and place it on your mantlepiece.



• Any random stranger can become the head of all organisations in the space of a day and no-one seems to care.



• Never ever commit a crime as the thought police will track you down. Even if you kill someone in the middle of the woods in a desolate cabin they'll be onto you like a catholic priest on young boys.
  
  
• Down south is a desolate rainy marshland with an infestation of giant cats and talking lizards. People also seem to live in shanty towns.
  
  
• Its perfectly safe sleeping in the wilderness, even next to a portal to a hell dimension. Chances are your more likely to get mauled by a deer than a giant slavering dragon monster.
  
  
• Despite looking scary and having a tough exoskeleton, giant crabs are especially vulnerable to being punched in the face. Additionally their huge claws seem to be just for show.
  
  
• Any leader seems invulnerable to fire, ice, electricity and having their faces melted off. However their one only weakness is the plot which absorbs their godlike powers, almost as if they were puppets acting merely as plot devices in an attempt to create drama.
  
  
• Patrick Stewart is a natural leader and would be a much better candidate for the labour party than Miliband.
  
  
• Kids are merely a figment of our imagination. When we are 'born' we appear fully grown and inside a prison cell.
  
  
• Looting the corpse of a friend is moral and in fact encouraged by the local guards.
  
  
• The world is a harsh place filled with an abundance of calipers and yarn. While some see these as mundane clutter they are secretly plotting to overthrow society by holding them down and smothering people to death. It is rumoured these two rivals formed an alliance in the first ages when they signed the Treaty of Yarnopolis.
  
  
• All armour comes in the same size and will magically fit you even if you stole it from a midget.
  
  
• When faced with tough decisions threatening the future of your guild the best choice is to kill yourself and let a random stranger resolve the issues. Of course your up shit creek if that person decides to use your soul as a paperweight.
  
  
• Booze will give you a guaranteed hangover after two minutes. However its also impossible to get absolutely shitfaced.
  
  
• As a rule never elect Sean Bean as your leader as he is inflicted with a curse that guarantees his death before the end of anything. He also has a weakness for jewellery that more often than not leads to his death.