Things I've learnt from videogames: Oblivion

There is lots of research into the effects games have on people. Some say they are making people more violent (and I will promptly bludgeon anyone to death who agrees with that) or affecting their health. Some research has even proved that kids learn from games and as a result become smarter. So here's a selection of things I've learnt from Oblivion (spoilers may follow):

• Crypt desecration is a common past time for any budding adventurer. Apparently no-one minds if you steal the skull of their deceased grandfather and place it on your mantlepiece.



• Any random stranger can become the head of all organisations in the space of a day and no-one seems to care.



• Never ever commit a crime as the thought police will track you down. Even if you kill someone in the middle of the woods in a desolate cabin they'll be onto you like a catholic priest on young boys.
  
  
• Down south is a desolate rainy marshland with an infestation of giant cats and talking lizards. People also seem to live in shanty towns.
  
  
• Its perfectly safe sleeping in the wilderness, even next to a portal to a hell dimension. Chances are your more likely to get mauled by a deer than a giant slavering dragon monster.
  
  
• Despite looking scary and having a tough exoskeleton, giant crabs are especially vulnerable to being punched in the face. Additionally their huge claws seem to be just for show.
  
  
• Any leader seems invulnerable to fire, ice, electricity and having their faces melted off. However their one only weakness is the plot which absorbs their godlike powers, almost as if they were puppets acting merely as plot devices in an attempt to create drama.
  
  
• Patrick Stewart is a natural leader and would be a much better candidate for the labour party than Miliband.
  
  
• Kids are merely a figment of our imagination. When we are 'born' we appear fully grown and inside a prison cell.
  
  
• Looting the corpse of a friend is moral and in fact encouraged by the local guards.
  
  
• The world is a harsh place filled with an abundance of calipers and yarn. While some see these as mundane clutter they are secretly plotting to overthrow society by holding them down and smothering people to death. It is rumoured these two rivals formed an alliance in the first ages when they signed the Treaty of Yarnopolis.
  
  
• All armour comes in the same size and will magically fit you even if you stole it from a midget.
  
  
• When faced with tough decisions threatening the future of your guild the best choice is to kill yourself and let a random stranger resolve the issues. Of course your up shit creek if that person decides to use your soul as a paperweight.
  
  
• Booze will give you a guaranteed hangover after two minutes. However its also impossible to get absolutely shitfaced.
  
  
• As a rule never elect Sean Bean as your leader as he is inflicted with a curse that guarantees his death before the end of anything. He also has a weakness for jewellery that more often than not leads to his death.

OMFG Hax!!!

Games are meant for fun right? So why is it that there exists a few bunch of morons who use cheats and exploits to ruin it for everyone else. Sure they might get their kicks in the suffering of others but should people like that even exist. Cheaters are the Saddam Husseins of the gaming world and in an ideal world they'd get the same fate. So lets imagine what goes on in the mind of a cheater :

"I am well awesome. Look at me I can open the console and mess with the coding. I haz the skillz and can pwn all noobs. How fun is this I stand doing nothing letting the bot do the work. Look how cool I am. All the ladies want me cause I rely on the computer to aim for me. They love my computer skillz."

Now in reality:

I'm 27 and live in the garden shed. My mum tried chucking me out but I refuse to leave this place cause I'm afraid of the big bad world. I get closure being a massive dickhead as it 'bigs me up'. I long for the touch of a woman but they all seem to avoid me like i'm a massive walking turd. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact I reek of redbull and piss.

No-one will ever know why someone thinks its fun to use cheats online. The initial buzz people get from annoying people could only last a minute at most and then it must get boring. Its like buying a game then paying someone to play it for you whilst you gouge your eyes out. Your not going to get better at a game by letting something else do it for you. The only thing you will gain from cheating is an armada of enemies all wanting to beat you senseless with your keyboard and mouse. Sadly cheaters will always exist in any society but from all sci-fi games I've played so do shotguns. So what I'm saying is this - shotguns are the bane of all cheaters and seem like the best way to go medieval on their asses.

The Problem with Sheep.

Its true that many of us take after our parents. I for one hate the fact that I look just like my dad when he was my age. Love it or hate it though I've been taught an important lesson in life - never be a sheep. When I say sheep I am of course referring to people following others in an attempt to conform, though it would also be equally as bad to get naked and eat grass in a field.

Sad thing is its true. People will always follow each other regardless of the consequences. Like the other day when getting a paper at WH Smith people were happily standing in line at the downstairs till oblivious to the fact standing there would take more than 5 minutes when they could use the tills upstairs or downstairs, which when I went to were empty. You really should take some time out of each day to sit and watch people go through life like mindless cattle.

Of course these sheep like tendencies are a foundation of our society and it really annoys me. Its leading to a society with a lack of innovation or need to break out of the mould. Applying this to games then there's the infamous EA strategy of poorly copying games and releasing the same thing under a different title each year. Music wise there's a lot of music coming out but a lot of rubbish cover versions (yes i'm talking about you Fallout Boy), dire 'remixs' (just die Kid Rock) and bland attempts at rock that are hardly iconic and will be forgot about in a months time (you know who you are, we can't remember however). As for movies well there's waves of bad films which sadly can't be countered by the occasional good unique film. And yes I blame Uwe Boll for a large part of those bad films.

Why the sudden influx of poor quality entertainment? Generation sheep happily following each other into ruination. Now is the time to get rid of this bad trend just like that weird stain on the pillow. Be yourself and bollocks to what others think of you. I encourage you all to go about life in a weird and bizarre way before we all end up stuck with regulation haircuts and an abundance of the colour grey all thanks to the Government shephards brainwashing their herd with the false promise of green grass.

Educational pamphlet on how to fight off boredom!

There comes a time when you have absolutely no idea what to do. You consider reaching for your phone to announce your boredom to your nearest and dearest or change your facebook status to reflect your ailment. But why do this? With my handy advice you'll never be bored again. Here are a selection of my favourite distractions.

• Start a blog/ add to existing blog - A new one in my list of distractions. Create a blog under the pretence your witty and your bound for stardom. Write controversial, libellous comments, face the consequences and then wish you hadn't started the damned thing. Its win win all round.


• Creative uses for mundane objects - ever find ironing boards boring? Why not get a football and play ironing board cricket. A guaranteed fun filled 15 minutes of destruction. Extra points for destroying plates.


• Get shitfaced - pretty self explanatory. Drink whatever you can find then spend the next day trying to remember what the fuck happened only to be told you weren't as sophisticated as you thought you were at the time.


• Build up your gamerscore - get that elusive 1000 points per game on all games you own allowing you to lord over others. Well when I say others I mean xbox gamers who quite frankly don't give a flying fuck that your sadder than them. But hey each to their own.


• Cheesey films - they know they're bad. What makes them good. Well its hard to say but it'll be the best 90 minutes of your life. Just don't expect a plausible plot, acting ability of any sort, professional camera work or in fact any brilliance in any of the categories at the Oscars.


• Feats of awesomeness - very hard tasks to pull off perfect but when done you are guaranteed a legend. What could this be? Well anything bizarre. Some ingredients for an idea of mine include an inflatable starfighter, a river and depending on the who's taking the pictures, clothes.


• Become a vigilante - not inspired by Dark Knight honest. But still theres a lot of scum on the streets that need getting rid of. Just be prepared to wear tights. Adam West is clearly the best batman.


• Go out your front door - a very hard task indeed for some but theres a whole wide world out there to be corrupted, I mean explored. From what i've learnt so far sunlight doesn't turn you to ash and theres these weird land creatures called cars that people seem to admire unhealthily. Just remember to don your chainmail and sword so that you can blend in with the 'daywalkers'.